The Infinite Regress

What is The Definition of "Free"?

2009-08-20T10:12:00.001-07:00

"Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose" are the lyrics to Janis Joplin's amazing song Me Bobby Mc Gee. I will not attempt to define "freedom" in the grander American sense, Miss Joplin did a fine job at that if you ask me. No, this much more about the word "free" in the context of "I would like to hang out. When are you free?"

In a few short days I will be moving about 5,605 miles away from my current residence. The other night a friend of mine sent me a text asking if she would see me before I left. I said that I am sure we could get together for at least a brief meeting. She asked me when I was free and I responded by saying "I think a better question is when are you free?" After a few more texts were ping-ponged between us she replied by saying, "It feels retarded that you're asking me when I'm free since you are the one going. Tell me when is good for you and I'll figure it out."

I really appreciated this. I really, really did. But honestly, while I do not have specific appointments taking up every hour of the next few days, the idea of "free time" seems so foreign to me. Like anytime that I am not hanging out with friends or family I ought to be at home preparing for my departure, lord knows I have a lot to do. It is much easier for me to just to pick a time and pen it in rather than thinking about what time is best.

Anyway, I decided not to bring that up (it would have just been labored and unnecessary over text message) and the texts perorated in coffee plans.

Mayo...For Cool People

2009-08-16T18:26:00.000-07:00

It is really amazing what they try and sell with "cool" appeal these days. I get beer ads trying to show how cool their suds are, but then again drinking makes you cool anyway so the point is moot. Fashion, technology, cars, cigarettes these all have viable reasons for wanting to seem cool. The customers need to feel that the products are in, stylish and sexy. Well now we can add another product to the "cool" approved list.

"We are miracle whip and we will not tone it down!"? Everyone knows the party doesn't start until the miracle whip gets there. If I go to a bbq and they have anything other than Miracle Whip, I am leaving. It's the Crystal of mayonnaises.

It's MAYONNAISE* for Christ's sake.

So next time you see me I will be spooning spoonful after spoonful of miracle whip into my mouth while talking on an iPhone and driving my Nissan Cube like a fuckin' rock star.

*I suppose that technically "Miracle Whip" is not mayonnaise but, for all intents and purposes, it is.

I Support Euthanasia

2009-08-09T23:15:00.000-07:00

I am a huge fan of the Simpsons. It is almost a secret language between me and other devoted fans. It has had as much impact on my sense of humor as anything else, probably more.

But I just saw a new(ish?) episode tonight and it just needs to be put to death. Sure there were a few laughable moments but it comes nowhere close to the show in the heyday. It's like watching a loved one go old and senile. Their mental acuity and performance is going steadily down hill and they don't seem to realize it. It's like watching any Eddie Izzard show after Dress to Kill. You chuckle here and there (if that) but you just end up quoting the same lines you always had before.

I try so hard to like the new episodes. I continue to give them chance after chance but I don't know if I can let it go any longer, the note worthy episodes are fewer and farther between. I even gave them credit longer than most of my other serious fan friends.

I know that axing the show would cut a significant amount of income from Harry Shearer, Dan Castellaneta, Hank Azaria, Yeardly Smith, Julie Kavner and fellow Finn Bonita Pietila but enough is enough. You got the longest show in history but I would rather see it die with dignity (too late?) than to fade away in mediocrity.

So please, "stop, stop [it's] already dead".

Have You Had Corn Recently?

2009-08-03T09:24:00.000-07:00

For years and years I have marveled at what my dad knows how to do. I think it is this generational gap that will probably never be bridged. The culprit to blame is probably the ever increasing influence of electric, and then digital, media that occurred after he grew up and before/while I grew up. I sat around watching quality programming on TV and playing video games while he took apart and rebuilt things. He planned and built the house I grew up in, including plumbing and electricity! He knows about cars too. I went on one house hunting trip with him a few months ago and he even blew the real estate lady out of the water when he asked about the old filled in and bricked over pool (no one was supposed to know about it, but he could tell it was there).

I just picked him up from the airport last night. He flew to John Wayne airport instead of LAX because all the flights to LAX were crazy full. We got home and he took the obligatory "I am home" shit. After the flush, he came out with a worried look exclaiming about a plumbing problem. What a wonderful gift! Home from a transatlantic journey and you get to fix a plumbing problem!

Fast forward about 15 minutes. My dad's arm is up to the bicep in shit water in our house's main sewage line. He is slowly snaking a hose through the pipes to blast out any clogs in it's way. I am standing behind him giving my assistance in anyway I can (turn off/on hose etc). He stops for a moment turns around and says....

"Have you had corn recently?"

I had.

The Suckers Down at Wherehouse

2009-07-31T14:14:00.001-07:00

A Few of you have been aware of the recent trouble I have had trying to sell off many of my old CDs. Amoeba only took a handful saying that they were "dog titles" and Record surplus offered me a dollar for every 5 (coming out to around $10 for the stack). They wouldn't even let me pick and choose which ones I wanted to keep. It was an all or nothing kind of deal. While most of them were of zero value to me, there were a few selections that I would not part with for 20 cents. Some of the CDs I didn't want to part with were albums that reminded me of younger days. I rarely listen to them anymore but they are the CDs I might want to hear at some point. They aren't even worth taking up precious hard drive space!

That is when I remembered Wherehouse Music on the corner of Artesia and Hawthorne. They are not as pretentious as Amoeba is so I thought I would take a chance....

They took a whopping 34 cds, some beat to shit and a few with writing on them (from the ol' radio station)! I turned the $10 from record surplus in to $60! Almost pays for the terabyte external hard drive I just bought!

This where the gold is too. A long time ago at Off the Record in San Diego (back in their Hillcrest days) I rummaged through the free bin and found a comic relief CD from 1994 with comedians like Bob Sagat and Drew Carrey. They bought it for a dollar. That is all profit baby!

My Trip to the Urgent Care Center

2009-07-25T12:40:00.000-07:00

Friday, July 24th approx. 7 pm

I was watering my mom's garden because she is out of town. LA county law stipulates that it is illegal to water during normal day light hours due to the drought. While walking through an area of dirt and weeds, I felt a sharp pain in my foot. I quickly raised my foot and a piece of wood came with it. I removed the wood and inspected the wound. It didn't look too bad. Then the blood started to flow. Crap. Ok, calm down...when was the last time I got a tetanus shot because I know that you are supposed to get them once every ten years. I remembered that I had a vaccination chart so I went and inspected. Get this...my last tetanus shot was on July 23rd 1999. Ten years to the day...

The phone rings and it's my friend Megan calling to say she will pick me up for the show in a few minutes. I tell her what happened and she says that I need to take care of it now and suggests I call an urgent care center. I look one or two up. And they all close at 7 pm. So it is Friday night, my tetanus shot literally just expired, and I have a possible infection incubating on the bottom of my foot.

Wait, there is the Emergency Room! I call them and they say they can help!

"Hello, I just stepped on a rusty nail, do you give tetanus shots?"

"Yes we do"

"Great! How much will that be?"

"I can't tell you"

"Why not?"

"You have to see a doctor, and it depends on how long he is with you and what he orders"

"Yeah, but you can ball park it right?"

"No"

"I stepped on a nail and it's been more than 10 yrs since my last booster, this is a pretty common ailment, not exactly rocket science"

"Sorry"

"Well is this something that can wait until the morning, or does it need to be dealt with immediately?"

"I can't tell you"

"Why not?"

"I am a nurse"

"Uhh, can you put me on with somebody who can?"

"No"

"Why not?"

"We don't give advice over the phone"

"Are you serious!?"

"Yes"

"Ok, thanks"

"You're Welcome"

How much could it be right? So I was about to walk out the door when my brother (I had previously informed him of my condition) tells me that he was looking up prices and that it can easily cost up to $700 for a tetanus shot in the ER.

Crap. I don't have insurance right now either. I decide to sleep on it and go to one of the weekend urgent care centers as soon as it opens. In the mean time I hear from my parents (currently in Europe) and they say to wait until monday and go to my former health care provider when I had insurance. I was not comfortable waiting until monday because after some internet scouring I found something from the mayo clinic that said to get the shot within 48 hours of the incident. I start price shopping the next morning and they are still expensive regardless (approx $200) due to some "new patient fees" and a $93 (minimum) "doctors visit" and $20 "office charge". I look at my former insurance providers website and find that they have an urgent care center in Long Beach. At least I could skirt the "new patient fee" if I go there. I go, check in, sit, wait, get called, meet the doctor, explain, meet the nurse, get poked with a needle, sit, wait, pay and then leave. Out the door, $110 (which seems like a screaming deal now).

Now I have a dead arm and small limp. But I am boosted and lock-jaw free!

Did I Do Something Productive Today?

2009-07-20T20:50:00.000-07:00

Well I don't know if this was productive. But here is a new song I recorded today...

It's called "Happiness" and I think it came out pretty good despite the singing. But even then.....

Listen to it at the link to the Infinite Regress Myspace Page.

Hope you like it...

Nothing Says America Like This...

2009-07-13T12:30:00.000-07:00

I just saw this ad on TV

Nothing says "American Independence" like fatty snack foods raining from the sky.

This Just Has to be a Scam

2009-07-13T11:46:00.000-07:00

So I am trying to sell my car and I posted an ad on craig's list for it. I don't like giving out my email or phone to the world (they did call one guy the "craigslist killer" after all), but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. So I got a few responses, but this one's a hoot. What do you think?

Hey, i might be interested in your vehicle but first i need to know
how much insurance is going to cost. I found a place that gives you
quotes for free, so i put the link below. The quotes seem cheap
aswell, since i used it for my old vehicle, it could be good for your
current vehicle too :)

http://adcurl.com/ad24

Regards,
Wade

Even my laptop smelled fishy after reading that. I looked up "adcurl" and found very little to no information on it. So, call me untrusting and suspecting, I decided not to click on it. Isn't insurance dependent as much on the driver (age, sex, history) as the car itself? And don't most insurance companies offer free quotes? Here is another interesting thing. The gmail address is listed to a "Mauricio Rahimi" instead of "Wade" and this email was sent to several car ads in addition to mine.

In these times of scammers and ID thefts, I don't think I am going to reply to any email short of, "Saw the car ad, when can I come look at it?"

Though honestly, if I had to guess, I would imagine the link just takes you to an advertisement that counts visitors and "Wade" gets credit for them. That was my 1st thought, at least.

Man vs. Food: Los Angeles

2009-07-09T00:10:00.000-07:00

The travel channel as a show called "Man vs. Food" where host Adam Richman travels around the U.S. tackling notorious food spots looking for food challenges. Tonight I saw the L.A. episode and it got my mouth watering. Here is where he went in town.

His 1st stop was L.A.'s oldest restaurant Phillippe's near Union Station. Apparently it is the birth place of the french-dip sandwich. huh, go figure! It's not French after all. It was created on accident when cop ordered a roast beef sandwich and Phillipe accidentally dropped the bread in the beef broth. The cop then told him not worry about it, ate it anyway and I guess it caught on. It's called the french dip because at that time the area Phillipe's is in was a French neighborhood. But I have eaten there several times and even have childhood memories of the sawdust sprinkled floor. Worth checking out if you've got the time, but it gets crowded, so bring your patience.

His 2nd stop was El Tepeyac Cafe in Boyle Heights. According to Adam, the burritos served here are the standard to which all other burritos in L.A. are compared. The line outside the restaurant seemed comparable to Pink's and a shot of tequila is rumored to welcome most guests upon entry. The quintessential order here is known as the "manuel special", a chile-verde burrito so big it takes TWO tortillas end to end to contain its innards and it weighs in at a whopping 5 lbs. Don't want to order that, but I think I could handle their normal 2.5 lb burrito and boy did their original chile-verde recipe sound good (it's red and not green!)

His final stop was at Orochon Ramen in Little Tokyo. I wonder if this is the ramen place I always hear about? Well it looks deelish and Adam took the #2 challenge which is so spicy that the cook won't even try it because he is, in his own words, "not crazy". Adam devours and slurps it in less than 30 minutes and is thus immortalized in polaroid form on the wall. Apparently more than 20,000 people have attempted to conquer "the dragon" but only a few hundred have succeeded. Adam, a self proclaimed master of cuisine was sweating bullets and crying by the end of the bowl.

Well, I thought my fellow Angelinos might be interested. I have only been to Phillipe's but those other two places sound amazing.

The Coffee-mid

2009-07-05T00:29:00.001-07:00

I am a coffee drinker. I am not picky about my coffee and I am hardly a connoisseur but I do like to drink what I think is good coffee. What better way to develop a more knowledgeable palate than to experiment with what the world has to offer. And by "the world" I mean, of course, Trader Joes. So here it is, the product of a years worth of coffee drinking. I give you...THE COFFEE-MID.

I think this is worthy of a Trader Joe's advertisement.

Oh My God, they Kilkenny!

2009-06-24T21:46:00.000-07:00

When we started there were about 20. During our tenure here at the Orange Grove they broke one by one until we had one left. The last one survived and survived despite all odds. Brian and I had plans to destroy it in superb and exciting ways; viking funerals, fire crackers, BB guns, the whole kit and kaboodle.

Well last friday we had a little shindig. We all feared it would happen. But still we had hope that it would live to see the grandiose farewell we had planned for it as if it were looking in the face of death and saying "NOT TONIGHT YOU BASTARD!"

Well unfortunately it met its undoing.

Farewell, you were too beautiful for this world.

The Iranians Show Me that Anything is Possible

2009-06-18T13:17:00.000-07:00

I heard this fantastic story on NPR the other day. In the wake of the Iranian election protests have erupted in support of Mousavi, claiming that the election was rigged in favor of Ahmadinejad. Foreign news journalists have been barred from covering many of these protests so they are relying on native Iranians for photos and videos. Some Iranians are even accessing Twitter to post updates about what is going on.

How are they accessing twitter? A friendly citizen of the U.S.A. has allowed his home computer to be used as a proxy server specifically for Iranians to post updates on the protests.

Why is this fantastic?

DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS!!!

Using this technology I could stream Hulu from outside of the U.S.!

Thanks again Iran!

Now to find someone willing to let me use their computer as a proxy.

He Inadvertently Signed His Letter of Resignation

2009-06-14T14:02:00.000-07:00

Some of you may have heard me talking recently about camcorders and my hopes of being the proud owner of one. After talking to the right people I zeroed in on the model that I planned to purchase. The Canon Vixia HG10 high definition camcorder, with a hard drive and optical image stabilization. It came highly recommended. Well it was a roller coaster of a ride with the price starting out low and then the company who was selling it for cheap decided not to sell it anymore, then it was only available for more expensive, but was out of my price range, then another company had almost an identical price, so I decided to buy it, finally.

But that isn't what this story is about.

I ordered that camera online and I got my confirmation email that said it had been shipped and that it was going to be delivered to my parents house in a few days with signature confirmation.

Shipping was free so I was delighted to see they weren't just shipping it cheapo-style and that the somewhat expensive camera would not be sitting out on the porch for 5 hours before someone got home.

Friday, June 12th rolled around and I checked the status of the shipment and much to my delight it said it had been delivered on June 11th at 12:22 pm. The one fishy part of the equation was that the package was signed for by a "T Brock". I am a "T Brock" and my brother is a "T Brock" but currently no "T Brocks" reside at the house that I shipped the camera to. Well my brother lives near by so it wouldn't be ridiculous to think that maybe he was there for some reason. Or my dad could have been home and saw that the package was for me and signed my name, I wouldn't put it passed him to do that.

I saw my mother on g-chat and I asked her about the package. She said she didn't know what I was talking about...I start to feel the flood waters of panic breaching the levies in my chest...Then her memory kicked back in and she said "oh, yeah there is one here for you"...crisis averted...I asked who signed for it, and she informed that no one had signed for it, but they had in fact found it on the porch when they got home from work.

So, the mailman decided that he would sign my name on the package as confirmation that he delivered it, and then he left it on the porch...

All is good and fine, I am have the camera, it is sitting right next to me in all of its HD glory, no harm no foul, right?

I got in an argument with my father about this. I was toying with the idea of filing a complaint and my father was doing his best to forbid me from doing so, for obvious reasons. His logic was that the mailman was trying to do him a favor by saving a drive to the post office to pick up the package later and that it wasn't necessary to get him in trouble. I agreed that getting him in trouble was akin to pissing off someone who could easily spit in your food without you knowing but I was determined to drive home the point that while signing MY name was meant to be a nice gesture, making decisions to circumvent carefully placed confirmation checks was, with all due respect, above his pay grade.

In the end, I filed no complaint. And this is why:

1. I got the camera

2. Not necessary to get someone fired or reprimanded given #1

3. I didn't pay for shipping, and if I did, I would not have paid for signature confirmation anyway

4. It's not my mailman and my father seems to have a certain kinship with him

But, if I was mailing something important to someone, paid the extra $ for signature confirmation expecting a secure transfer of my package, and found out that the mailman signed the addressee's name and left it on the porch, I would go postal, I would ensure that he never worked in the parcel delivery business again...I would march right into the offending post office, walk up to the counter with steam shooting out my ears, chicken out, and politely request a refund.

When Nature Calls, You Can Say "No, I have to wait until Capt'n Pike says 'Chekov, you have the con' "

2009-05-27T21:07:00.000-07:00

Ever been at a movie and had to pee so bad that it required that you leave the theater to relieve yourself? There is always that panic that you may miss something important in the movie. Don't you wish that there was someway to know when you have time to micturate without missing anything important to the plot?

Well now there is hope!

www.runpee.com is a website devoted to letting you know when there is nothing important about to happen in a film, warranting you enough time to "drain the lizard". For example, according to the website, in X-Men Origins you can apparently "empty your head" right after wolverine "discovers his new claws in the bathroom".

Not only does it inform you when you can pee but it tells you when you shouldn't pee! This worked in my favor last night when I went to see Star Trek. Thanks to www.runpee.com I knew that when Captain Kirk is sent to the ice planet it is NOT a beneficial time to "point percy at the porcelain". Boy were they right!

But by far the best thing about www.runpee.com is reading the user suggestions about when it is okay to "shake the dew off the lily". For example for the Hannah Montana movie, the website has this to say:

"Go home right after the previews and pee as long as you please in the comfort of your own home. You won't miss anything."

thanks again runpee.com!

99 cent Store

2009-05-17T10:20:00.000-07:00

I used to do a fair amount of shopping at the 99c store. I could always buy kitchen utensils, sodas, candy, etc. My dad and I were at the 99c store yesterday looking for lime juice to make margaritas (it was right next to a store that we thought would have it but didn't). After we get in line my dad turns to me and says.

"Would you buy 12 condoms for 99 cents?"

The answer is no, no I would not.

Bleach Boys

2009-05-06T18:32:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder what it is like to work as a cashier at a grocery store. Do they judge the customers on what they buy? Or, are they so jaded that strange purchases don't even phase them? If you think about it, shopping can sometimes be very intimate, depending on what you are purchasing. Sometimes you are buying medications like vagisil or beano (could be embarrassing) or you buy nothing but junk food while your eyes are bloodshot and your reaction time is slow. What is going through the cashier's head?

To illustrate my point here are two examples:

Once, while I was in college, I went to the cashier with these contents in my basket.

Eggs

Bacon

Condoms

KY warming lubricant

Hmmmmm? What could this guy be up to? Condoms, lube and breakfast fixings..? "Having a lovely lass over for the night, are you?." Obviously it was not hard to connect the dots on that one. Usually when I need to buy stuff like that, I like making other purchases to "dilute" the the products in question. Admittedly, I feel a little bit weird when I go to the store and buy just condoms, or just beano, or just ____ (insert other embarrassing product). It seems to insinuate a sense of urgency. I drove all the way to the store just to buy this specific product. In other words, I plan on using it/them in the immediate future.

Ok, that one was easy. Now try this...

Last week I was at the store. The contents of my cart were (and this is not a joke):

5 gallons of apple juice

5 gallons of clorox bleach

100 blue plastic party cups

A pack of Cold-eeze

Just try and make sense of that one! If I was the cashier I would contemplate calling the cops out of fear that there would be another Jonestown incident. Another glass of apple juice sir?

(this was a purchase I made for the laboratory...except the cold-eeze...Those were for me...swine flu...you know?)

Van Morrison? More like Van Lame-isson!

2009-04-28T19:48:00.000-07:00

Yeah that's right, he is lame. Almost as lame as my title.

Now, I know what you are thinking. "Wait a minute IR, don't you like a few Van Morrison songs like 'moondance', 'wild night' and 'brown eyed girl'?"

Yes this is true, I do enjoy romping around in my underwear to a few of his feel good tunes but Van, the man (not to be confused with his nick-name "Van the Man") is kind of a douche bag. Here is why:

Many of you out there may have heard me drunkenly rant about a performance of his I saw. He played the Pori Jazz Festival in Pori, Finland and I had the pleasure of being in attendance. His style is slightly more jazzy now and he played a lot of what I can only assume is his newer material, but in the last few moments of the show he cranked out some old classics ending it all with "Brown Eyed Girl" (BEG). Now for about 90% of the show the audience remained seated and never let out any more applause than a puttering golf clap. The audience was mostly older people so I never found any of this unusual. When the 1st few notes of BEG chimed in, almost the entire audience got up, started clapping in time and danced their drunken old people dances. Being the mover and shaker that I am, I too ran up to the front and started cutting a rug.

The song ended, the audience erupted in a conflagration of applause and "Van the Man" stormed off stage in what appeared to be a funk. It seemed everyone that I talked to noticed the same "funk" I had. We got into a discussion about it and it was clear that Van had a few sympathizers.

"Yeah, I can see why he is upset. It is a song he released more than 30 years ago and it was the only song he got a response from. All he wants is people to appreciate his new music."

Well my response is this. Van is a lucky, lucky man. Music that he has made has withstood the test of time and continues to make new generations of people tap their feet and smile. He has been paid, and continues to be paid, exorbitant amounts of money for these songs that he wrote. There are millions of people who would LOVE to be in his shoes. His fame gives him an awesome forum to exhibit his new material. But if the crowd is not impressed, tough shit, that is showbiz. Having a bad attitude about playing your hit songs, no matter how long ago you recorded them, is, as far as I am concerned, akin to looking a gift horse in the mouth.

If you don't want to play those songs anymore then don't. But then you have to stop charging people $350 to see you play. With prices like that, you have an onus, an obligation, nay...a moral imperative...to play those songs and to do it with a fucking smile on your face. You have been given something most people can only dream about. If you want people to appreciate your new music then stop playing those songs, charge a $10 dollar fee and play at a small lounge making people fully aware you have no intent to play your hits. Until then, your new songs will continue to quiver in the shadow of your truly excellent early hits.

That is my rant and if that doesn't convince you then how about this:

I was reading a recent issue of Rolling Stone magazine and it had an article about a company called "Web Sheriff" that artists can hire to police the internet for unlawful uses of their music and/or likeness. Musicians ranging from Animal Collective to Prince, and of course our friend Van, have hired the company to help them protect their intellectual property. Animal collective apparently asked them to shut down links to pre-release download sites of their most recent album (very reasonable) while Van had his two biggest fan-sites shut down for photos and lyrics, content that, as Rolling Stone printed, they have "no legal basis for demanding the sites remove" (so says copyright experts).

Way to appreciate the people who made you what you are Van "Douche Bag" Morrison!

Faux Hunting

2009-04-16T18:00:00.000-07:00

On my drive home this afternoon I heard an NPR story on some English guy who has memorized the entirety of Chaucer's Canterbury Tales. That is pretty impressive, don't you think?

Anyway, inevitably the conversation went in a direction that compared Chaucer's England, Victorian England and modern day England. They came to the conclusion that today's England resembled that of the England in Chaucer's stories rather than the prudish, manners-obsessed England described in works by Jane Austin.

The journalist visited a part of England that was considered to be more conservative than its more urban counterparts where discussions of pole dancing and fox hunting ensued. They interviewed a few people about to embark on a hunt. If you are not aware, there has been a ban on fox hunting in the U.K. since 2004. Thus, there was a clarification that no foxes were actually being hunted but rather hoards of people got on horse back and pretended to hunt the foxes in, what I would assume would be, an attempt to preserve tradition.

Then the bitching started!

It's those liberal urbanites who don't understand the plight of us rural folk. Fox hunting is a tradition and don't forget, it serves a purpose, to control the fox populations.

Jesus Christ, just own up to the to the fact that you like killing foxes. If it is fox population control that you are worried about, lobby the government for animal control.

Oh, and traditions (google octopus twirl) get outlawed all the time so cry me a river, build a bridge and get over it.

Texas Republicans: Still Makin' Friends

2009-04-10T17:27:00.000-07:00

So someone posted a link to an article on their facebook page regarding the recent shenanigans in Texas regarding Texas State Representative, Betty Brown.

Here is what she said.

"Rather than everyone here having to learn Chinese — I understand it’s a rather difficult language — do you think that it would behoove you and your citizens to adopt a name that we could deal with more readily here?"

Now I have heard some pretty bad boners from politicians. I mean people say things when they think the mic is off to get a laugh out of people. When I read this I assumed it was just a joke and people who have nothing better to do than get pissy, had gotten pissy, and were making a big hubub about it.

But wait, she is serious. It turns out that Betty Brown, whose real name is Atreyu Trong-Nguyen-Terwilliger-Halopainen-Brown, is resisting calls to apologize. Yup, those crazy democrats are trying to make this about race when it has nothing to do with race. Culture, tradition, legacy...maybe, but NOT race. I mean white people don't have strange names, just ask Mighty Duck's player Teemu Selänne!

I mean her heart is in the right place isn't it? She is trying to ease the burden that wild, and un-american, names have on our beleaguered poll workers. She's fighting for the little guy.

I mean just imagine a world where there could be an entire phone book devoted to the last name "Smith". Lord knows we need more of those!

Sleep well Betty Brown (if that is your real name) and rest assured that someday you won't need to deal with those scary Chos, Minhs, Baes, Nguyens, Akikos, Laus, and Ichiros.

Now for some Katsu and an Asahi, I love America.

Back In L.A. but Big in Japan pt 3: The Case of the Missing iphone

2009-03-31T21:05:00.000-07:00

Welcome back to another installment of BILBIJ.

St. Patrick's day is a wonderful holiday isn't it? It's a special time of year when people of all nations come together and drink themselves silly. This year I got to spend my St. Paddy's day in Kyoto drinking $10 dollar Guinnesses! At least the bar had the proper Guinness pouring certificates, otherwise I would have continued to drink the pricey brew, but with a bad attitude.

We were able to track down the locations of two Irish pubs in Kyoto and thought it would be fun to spend evening in proper fashion. The 2nd bar was full of westerners who were all in Japan teaching english and they too had the idea to come get proper drunk, properly.

After talking to two lovely lasses who both politely (or not) escaped my company, we followed a man by the name of Giblets to a swinging, rocking, rolling bar called "Ing" (duh!) where the festivities continued. At this point I had imbibed the necessary amount of fermented beverages to enter "dance mode". After a few very tall Sopporos we, on the advice of another westerner, headed to another bar called "Bar Moon Walk". It was not too long after exiting the Ing bar that I realized I had no desire to go to another bar. I had drank myself drunk and few things sounded more appealing to me than finding a warm soft spot to curl into the fetal position in.

I declined the drinks offered to me at bar moon walk and desperately tried to follow the story of the guy sitting next to me. That is just about the time I was puked on...

Having had enough, I told everyone that I was leaving and that they should remain here and have a good time. I walked back to the hostel. On the way home a man approached me and asked if I wanted any oral sex. I smiled and politely declined the offer, chuckling to myself.

It was now around 5 am and I was in the elevator with this old guy named Bruce. We exchanged pleasantries, and while I didn't think anything of it at the time, it was probably pretty clear that I had knocked back a few. Who cares right? I got into my bed and fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

God only knows how much time had passed when the rest of my party stumbled in making enough noise to wake the entire hostel out of a coma. Sure they were drunk, but this was ridiculous. Any comments I had about it were immediately turned around on me, especially when I said, "Fuck the shut up!" in a half-awake slur. In hind sight, I probably would have made fun of myself too had I been there. There was a lot of frantic talking going on none of which I caught other than that somebody was missing an iphone. Since no one in my party had an iphone, it wasn't really any of my concern. I had one objective on my mind and that was getting back to sleep. Finally everyone got into their beds and went to sleep while I lay wide awake pissed off that I had been woken up from a pleasant slumber and now I was the one who couldn't fall back asleep. Eventually I drifted off to dream land.

AWAKE! We had to check out that morning and catch a train to Tokyo. I, being far more prepared than my comrades, had already finished packing when Bruce opens the door to our room, in which he was not staying, walks right up to me and says:

"Ok man hand it over!"

Looking at him blankly I replied, "Hand what over?"

"The iphone man, just hand it over"

"I don't know what you are talking about"

"I saw you in the elevator this morning at 5, just hand it over"

"Oh, so you are judge, jury and executioner now?"

Apparently to him seeing me at 5 am was irrefutable evidence that I was the culprit. Finally someone else in the room spoke up on my behalf, Bruce said "oh" and left. The guy whose iphone went missing came in shortly thereafter and apologized to me and Bruce later apologized to me outside saying that he felt like an asshole.

Well we left for Tokyo and as far as I know the iphone was not found, but who am I, Sherlock Holmes?

On a completely unrelated note, who wants to come over and try out my new iphone?

Back in L.A. but Big in Japan pt 2: Somehow We Got Past Customs

2009-03-26T19:13:00.000-07:00

We left for Japan on thursday, March 12th at around 2 pm. Because of our cheap airfare we didn't have a whole lot of choice on our route so it involved flying to Atlanta 1st, spending the night there and then flying to Tokyo. The flight to Atlanta was about 5 hours, we got there at around 9 pm and the flight to Tokyo was at 9:50 the next morning. ATL to NRT was about a 14 hour flight. So for us to get to Japan it took about 31 hours.

Getting through customs was an embarrassing endeavor. All I could think was "Amateur Hour" as I watched my travel companions scramble for the necessary customs documents. One of us had decided that he didn't need the documents when the stewardess was handing them out while inquiring, "U.S. Citizen?" He told me that he just stared at her blankly and then waved her away not wanting any part of what she was offering. Then I was faced with a barrage of questions about what our flight number was, how long would we be there and where were we staying.

"Tuomas! what did you put down for how much cash you have when entering the country?"

"I wrote down how much cash I have"...

After a stern looking agent took my finger prints and stamped my passport we were through!

But the journey was not over. We still had to factor in the hour train ride from Narita Airport to Tokyo station and then the 3 hour Shinkansen (bullet train) to Kyoto. Everything clicked once we got to Tokyo station. I saw one sign that said Shinkansen and I powered through the pre-rush hour crowds to our platform. Soon we would be able to ditch our bags at the hostel and grab some food and a couple of beers.

Everyone was pretty knackered on the train ride but I could not sleep because I knew that if slept I would miss probably the best shot at seeing Mt. Fuji we would have on the entirety of our journey. It was a sunny clear day and soon it came into view.

We got to Kyoto safe and sound and checked into our hostel. Kyoto was pretty awesome. The city itself looks like any other city, but dotted all around it are enough temples and gardens to make a couple of gaijins like us wonder if we were worthy of setting foot there. For example this one made entirely out of goooooooooold:

Until next time...Sayonara!

Back in L.A. but Big in Japan pt 1: In the Beginning, There Was the End

2009-03-24T22:48:00.000-07:00

As some of you may be aware, I recently traveled to Japan for a visit to Kyoto and Tokyo. I meant to write about my travels before I left but when it comes down to making sure I had a place to stay and writing a blog, I chose booking a hostel.

So in the coming days I hope to give you a little taste of what I tasted, a sight of what I saw, a sound of what I heard and an itch of what I felt. And what better way to start it off than by telling you about the end of my journey.

My scheduled last day in Japan was supposed to be Saturday the 21st. I fly stand-by and Sunday's flights were growing tighter and tighter. I was pretty sure that I would make it out of Tokyo, but making it from Atlanta to Los Angeles seemed a little more questionable given the numbers. Monday's flights, on the other hand, were wide open for both legs with a whopping 100 seats open on the flight from Tokyo, while the 4 flights I could catch from ATL to LAX were sitting with around 20 seats open each. Given these facts I decided that if I was to have to spend an extra night somewhere I would prefer it to be in Tokyo rather than in Atlanta's airport (where I had slept the 1st of night of my vacation).

So I spent a wonderful extra night there full of lights, booze, dancing rock'a'billies and shopping, deciding to leave on Monday, March 23rd instead. Did anything big happen in Tokyo that morning?

One of my fellow travelers was half Japanese and had called her grandmother to say "goodbye" one last time. She came back to us saying something about "a fire on the runway?". We just shrugged and boarded our train to the airport from town.

Upon our arrival at Narita we noticed that a lot of flights read "delayed indefinite" next to their destinations.

"Hmmm", we thought. "That cannot be good".

After some more prodding we found out about the plane crash and slowly the fear began to sink in. You see, stand-by travel makes a strange bed fellow. She is good to you most of the time. 75% you get to take the flight you want to take, 20% of the time you have to adjust your departure by an hour or two or at most, a day...and the last 5% of the time? Well, you get royally fucked and since you are not a revenue passenger the airline has no obligation to help you out and you are up shit creek with a turd for a paddle.

"No reason to panic yet", I told myself. After all, no flights had been canceled, just delayed, indefinitely... There was no reason for any flight to be "canceled", right? Just horribly, horribly delayed? Eventually the airport would be up and running at a somewhat steady pace, if not a few hours behind?

Well turned out the jet had crashed on the main runway, the only runway big enough to handle fully loaded 747s. So yes a few planes were canceled, but my plane was a 777 and still light enough to take off from the other runway. We went back to the check in counter to find a sign that read.

"NRSAs (stand-bys) Please come back at 14:00". Panic started to creep up my legs. Turned out, had I left on Sunday as planned, I would have made it.

Time was closing in on the flight and yet no stand-bys were allowed to check in. We were told that we needed to wait for passengers from other planes that had been cancelled, which now included one to LA, one to Minneapolis and one to Detroit while having another U.S. flight scheduled for another day. I have been flying stand-by my whole life and one thing that I have learned is that if even one plane flying to the same country as you gets cancelled, you better find a comfortable airport bench to sleep on.

Finally, we were allowed to check in but we were told that they still could not give us seats and that we needed to wait until 14:35 before any more information would be given to us. 14:50 rolled around and still no word. I was drafting the email I would have to send to my boss explaining why I would not be returning to work, after I had purposefully delayed my arrival one day already. Certainly these were extenuating circumstances, right?

15:00 rolls around with the plane scheduled to leave in 30 minutes. My fellow non-revs and I banded together with pleasant chatter while secretly conspiring about who had the best priority. Finally my name was called and I got my seat and luckily, while I would have been happy sitting on the toilet for the 12 hour flight, I got a business class seat. My sister motioned me forward so as I would not miss the flight if they decided they needed to leave before all the passengers could board. I ran through security and down the hall to the gate, not even stopping for a short while to take a photo of Mos Def who was being accosted by several travelers with cameras.

I saw the gate and flew through the jetway, to find the plane...half empty. After another 20 minutes the rest of the stand-bys joined me, including the rest of my party. We drank champagne and smiled secret smiles of relief at each other from all corners of the plane.

Everyone was happy but weary, discussing the morning's fatal crash and how they had heard about it. One lady, whom had flown in from Hong Kong a few hours earlier, told me that they were told their delay was due to a maintenance issue, a move which I am sure was meant to quell panic amongst the passengers before it could start.

Well our plane taxied away from the gate and as we taxied away I looked out the window and snapped this photo:

Not the kind of thing you want to see before taking off.

The Sting

2009-03-11T19:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday (tuesday the 10th) I left work at a reasonable hour excited about the amount of day light left due to the recent "spring forward" time change. I came home and there was an occupied, idle-ing car sitting in the driveway to the back house, which was and is currently vacant. At 1st I thought "oh, James must have a new car!" since he was going to be paying me a visit and I had told him 30 minutes prior that he could park in the driveway because no one was living in back. After surveilling the situation further, I realized that it was not in fact James who was sitting in the car. The simplest explanation was that this person was waiting to be let in to view the vacant residence. When I exited the car I was about 5-7 ft away from this person and we just looked at each other. I walked up to the window, which was about half-way open, and said,

"Hello, can I help you?"

"Is it alright if I park here?", he replied.

Being met with this unexpected answer perplexed me. There were plenty of open spaces on the street. It seemed very suspicious that he wanted to be in my driveway. So I came back with

"Well that depends on why you are here."

At this moment he flipped open is wallet revealing a police badge and said...

"I am doing some surveillance"

I told him it was fine to park there and that he would not be blocking anyone in or out. I went into the house a phoned both James and Brian to tell them not to be alarmed by the man sitting in the car in our driveway.

I couldn't fight the curiosity. I went into our den where all the blinds are closed. I peeked through one of the blinds and couldn't help but notice the "shady" looking guy across the street talking on his cell phone.

Then I notices James coming down the street to the house so I went to greet him. We immediately began talking and joking about it. Curiosity had flanked our minds. I started to wonder if I was in any danger...I mean who was it that lived in my neighborhood that required such a stake out?

We left to get some pizzas and noticed that a different person, in a different car was sitting in the drive way now.

"Whatever", I thought.

We picked up the pizzas and Brian called asking where we were. I told him we were at the store and asked him if anything had happened.

He got excited and said, "Maaaaan, some shit went down! All of a sudden 5 unmarked police cars came out of nowhere on this one guy, the cops were yelling 'put your hands on your head' and the whole street is blocked up".

This is the 2nd major police operation I have missed that has occurred in front of my house.

Buzz Ballads 2

2009-03-07T00:25:00.000-08:00

My 1st thought was "there was a buzz balads 1?"

This is another commercial that I see frequently on late night Comedy Central. Who watches this channel late at night because some of these ads make me wonder?

With Buzz Ballads 2 I can have all of my favorite heavy love songs by bands like Hoobastank, Simple Plan, Fuel, P.O.D., Everclear, Finger Eleven(?) and Stained. Basically what a guy like me (20 something watching late night Comedy Central) should really enjoy?

What if you were in one of these bands late at night watching this and the ad came on? If it were me, I would be like "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck".

Mediocre-ville...population you.

Birth Control

2009-03-06T23:55:00.000-08:00

Whenever I go to my parents house for the night I end up watching a lot of late night Comedy Central. It is pretty cool since they play a lot of movies uncensored, for example tonight they are playing Team America. The advertising during these uncut movies seems to reflect the mature audiences as much of it is advertising for Girls Gone Wild, Trojan's new finger tip female vibrator, male enhancement schemes and other sexually related products. Inevitably, there are a few adverts for various contraceptives.

It bothers me that many of the birth control products, like Plan B and other pills, need to state that they "don't protect against HIV and STDs". I feel like anyone with half a brain should know that. I don't seriously mean it, but I can't help but have the thought "if you don't know that, then you deserve what you get". I realize it is a bit harsh and to be honest, you could argue that I am spoiled to have had the education that I have had (depressing to think that other people may not have the basic level of education that would allow them to have more common sense).

Realistically, the company probably puts that warning on the commercial just to protect their own ass from law suits just like the "caution hot coffee" warning on coffee house cups. So, it is pretty depressing that our society has come to this point. Some people are dumb enough not to know that birth control pills won't prevent STDs and/or others will exploit a justice system to make a bunch of money from their own stupid moves.

Welcome to the United States.

Music Video and Short Film Internet Debut

2009-03-03T19:57:00.000-08:00

Just a quick update...

My last few blogs have been about IRs recent noodling with other forms of internet media and this blog is no exception...

Now, for your viewing pleasure, on the IR youtube channel are some more vidoes.

One is a music video for the Infinite Regress song "Godzilla vs La Jolla"

The other is a short film documentary/mockumentary about the work that I was doing in Finland in 2007. It is called Bang Sensitivity: The Movie. It premiered at work when I presented it along side my actual findings in the experiment (data not shown). If you are curious, the experiment was basically to test how sensitive mutant flies were to mechanical stress (vigorous shaking). When shook, normal "wild type" flies immediately get up and begin normal fly like behavior, at worst, being a little bit pissed off. The mutant flies, on the other hand, would go into paralytic seizures and lay motionless on their backs for up to 10 minutes (after 10 min. they were considered deceased) while occasionally spazzing out and flapping their wings at such high velocities that they would spin in circles. I "vortexed" each fly individually for 10 seconds and timed their recovery. Over the course of the experiment I vortexed probably more than 2000 flies, many of which remained immobile for the max of 10 minutes. I had to do all of this in a small closet of a room with no windows that was kept at a steady 25 degrees Celsius.

Available on the internet for the 1st time, the unabridged Bang Sensitivity: The Movie

I hope you enjoy.

Infinite Regress' Multi-Media Onslaught Continues

2009-02-26T23:33:00.000-08:00

You heard it here 1st!

Not only is this the 3rd blog update in less than 7 days (WHAT! THAT IS FUCKING CRAZY!).

Not only did IR stun the world with its controversial jump to video

But now, there is a new bit of aural pleasure waiting for you hungry maggots at the IR band's myspace page. You were right to faint.

It goes by the name "In Moscow" and it is based on a dream I had that I scribbled down in a note book many moons ago.

So eat, drink, screw, drive, dress or sleep. I don't care as long as you are doing it to this song.

Infinite Regress Makes Controversial Jump to Video

2009-02-25T13:28:00.000-08:00

You've heard the rumors, you've held your breath and now, finally, your patience is being rewarded!

Infinite Regress now has a Youtube page where you can see whatever I find the time to upload!

There are already TWO, count 'em, TWO videos up of a very splendid evening with Milk Monster, the up and coming rock'n'roll quartet from Los Angeles, playing live at the Bandit Gallery in Echo Park on 2/21/09.

The 1st clip, Milk Monster Live @ Bandit Gallery pt 1, contains the following tracks:

Tom Of Finland

Goose-bumps

Come On Tuomas

The 2nd clip, part 2 of the same show, has these songs:

Long Tall Sally

Polka-dot Umbrella

Check out some more stuff about this:

www.myspace.com/milkmonster4u

www.myspace.com/banditgallery

I know there are a few other clips on some other cameras floating around, I will try and track those down and post 'em when I get 'em. There is also an Infinite Regress music video for the hit song Godzilla vs. La Jolla which will be posted sometime in the near future.

Check out the IR youtube page here!

youtube.com/user/infiniteregress1 (cuz some jack-face already had infiniteregress)

So see you next time...

Same Infinite time,

Same Infinite channel.

The Ombudsmen and the Grey Panthers

2009-02-23T19:49:00.000-08:00

I never got to meet either of my grandfathers because they both died before I was born. I know very little about my Finnish grandpa because my family doesn't seem to talk about him much. There were a few rumors floating around but the only things I know for sure about him are his name and that he was bald. The latter I found out from my mom when I learned that baldness is an X-linked trait and decided to investigate whether I would find the same fate.

My American grandpa, my dad's dad, on the other hand is someone whom I wish I had met. My father has told me so much about him and he sounds like he was one cool cat. He was an amazing artist, many of the paintings I have up in my house are his. He played Spanish guitar on an old acoustic that I found, dust covered, in my parent's attic just two weeks ago. When my dad and I went to see Austin Powers, my dad came out saying that grandpa, being an avid James Bond fan, would have loved that movie. There were stories about how he would mishear things. For example when someone said "Would you pass me a kleenex" and my grandfather would reply "WHAT! The Dodgers are playing in Phoenix?!"

But, unfortunately he died of Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, more commonly known as Lou Gehrig's Disease, before I was born. (On a side note some versions of A.L.S. are hereditary and symptoms include a nasally voice, hmmmmm interesting)

Yesterday I learned two brand new stories about my grandfather which has made me want to meet him even more. I went to Costco with my dad to buy some steaks, eat the free samples and look at various cameras (I am in the market). On the way out we passed a white zion car, a compact, which was very blatantly taking up two parking spots. My dad paused in the middle of whatever he was doing and said, "I hate it when people do that". I too hate it when people do that but I am a lot like George Costanza from Seinfeld. I get all indignant but I rarely have the courage to do anything about it. My dad pulls out a piece of paper and a pen and writes "ASSHOLE!" on it and puts it under the wind shield wiper of the car.

We load up our groceries and on the way home he begins to tell me about my grandpa's idea of the Ombudsmen. If you do not know (I had to look it up), an ombudsman is a person who is appointed by a governing body to investigate the complaints of citizens. In my grandpa's imagination, the ombudsmen were a government organization who had the power, by law, no questions asked, to kill ten people a day on the grounds that they were being assholes. That was their job, their federally appointed and funded job. It could be because you closed a shelter for orphans to build a mini-mall or because you tail gated on the freeway, or, in this case, you had a feeling of entitlement and thought that your car deserved more space in a crowded parking lot. Boom, ten of 'em, off the streets, everyday. With a big smile I imagined helicopters and snipers and car-bombs.

The other story, which was along the same lines as the previous in that it was a means of dealing with assholes, was about a militant organization called The Grey Panthers, obviously referencing the black organization of the 1960s. The Grey Panthers was, once again in my grandfather's delightfully creative imagination, an organization only open to people over the age of 70. When there was a public nuisance it was the job of a member of the GPs who had led a long and fulfilling life to "take out" that nuisance in a way that I can only imagine being suicide bombing.

For this grandpa, I love you.

So the next time you think about taking up two parking spots, cutting someone off, blasting your music so loud it rattles the other cars around you, or anything else slightly asshole-esque, Beware...for you never know...when the Ombudsmen...or the Grey Panthers...are watching.

Now bonne nuit...bonne nuit to you all.

I Know Why the Caged Condoms Sing

2009-02-14T13:39:00.000-08:00

Many friday nights recently have been spent in the company of good friends and moderately priced beer. Yesterday was no exception. Upon hearing that a few guests were going to be gracing our abode, I took it upon myself to make sure we had some ice cold brews ready and waiting. Since our house, which is sans heater, was colder than a witch's teet, we thought it prudent to pick up some fire wood as well. Feeling more on the generous side, I decided I would be on the pricier beer patrol while leaving the fire wood to my house-mate, a fitting duty for someone who has a mild case of pyromania like he does. We picked out the beer: a 12 pack of Harp lager to start out the night followed by a twelver of PBR to keep the party going once it was no longer necessary to be pretentious about what we were drinking. Brian went over to get some fire wood and I jumped into the empty express aisle to purchase the suds. In the short time it took me to pay, a healthy line had gathered behind me. I finished my transaction and waited for Brian near the Bank of America stall. He was now 2 or 3 customers deep in the line and I sat there baffled that there were so many people waiting when about 5 other aisles were, with the exception of the cashiers, completely devoid of human life. I brought this to Brian's attention and he looked at them eagerly but decided that since the line had already expanded 2 or 3 people behind him that he was going to hold his ground.

So I sat there with my two twelvers and looked behind me to see a huge caged shelf full of nothing but condoms. Durex, Trojan, Life Styles, Magnum, you name it they were there. I began thinking to myself that this was ridiculous. These cannot be the only condoms they sell. There must be a shelf in the store somewhere and these caged ones are overstock or something like that. I mean the lock and chain on this thing was what you would think the President would use to lock up his bike, they weren't fucking around. Using Ockham's Razor, the simplest explanation for this that I could come up with was that it must be due to conservative or religious mandate. You know, the ignorant and retarded mentality that condoms cause sex in the same way that umbrellas cause rain. Some sort of age limit or restriction or something like that.

My mind started to move a mile a minute and in extremely rare fashion I started working up the courage to say something to someone wearing one of those silly little Ralph's embroidered polo shirts. I looked back and forth between the caged condoms and the check-out stands trying to find my prey, growing ever more indignant with each passing moment that I was unable to vent my dissatisfaction of the situation. Finally, an employee, probably returning from a break, strolls by me and I stop him and in a stern but polite tone I say:

"Excuse me, but are these the only condoms you sell in this store?"

He replies with a simple "yes" and I tell him that that is "absolutely ridiculous" and then ask him, "why on earth are they locked up like this" and without even batting an eye he says, in the most casual way, "Oh, because kids just open up the packs, take out a couple condoms, stick them in their pockets and leave"...

"Oh", I replied knowing that I had been put in my place. "I guess that makes sense." I was kind of in shock from being disarmed so quickly.

He then asked if I needed any condoms, I giggled and politely declined his offer and let him go on his way to whatever task had been given to him by his superiors.

If there is anything to take away from this story it's this:

At least the kids are trying to use condoms, right?

Thoughts of the Day: 2/12/09

2009-02-12T20:48:00.000-08:00

Here are some random and unconnected thoughts that I have had today:

1. Hypothetically speaking, if our reality reflected that of the plot line of Nightmare on Elm St. why wouldn't we all just be speed addicts? I recall an episode of The Simpsons where they spoof this story and the kids stay up late drinking coffee to avoid falling asleep. As a coffee drinker myself I understand that caffeine has its limitations, so it seems it would not only be acceptable to be a tweaker but in fact encouraged and advantageous! Speed probably stunts your growth but wouldn't you rather be alive, short and jittery than dead? Some evolutionary pressures for you to think about on Darwin's b-day!

2. I kind of have a thing for Canadian girls, I've found. I guess I find them kind of exotic. I am like a pig sniffing out delicate truffles. I saw a girl that I thought was cute and finally made it over to her for a chat and I found out she was Canadian. I can seriously talk about the Quebecan separatist movement for hours as long as it is rolling of the tongue of a cute Canadian angel. This is, of course, if they think the separatists are silly. I think if I met someone who was actually seriously a separatist I would take a picture so I could show people that they actually do exist and aren't just stories made up by parents to make their children behave. Maybe big-foot is a separatist? It would certainly explain a lot. Viva Québec!

3. It is kind of pathetic that I walk around where I work and I feel like one of the toughest people there. Those of you that know me know that I am a sweet, sensitive young man who wouldn't hurt a fly, figuratively speaking of course. This could also be related to how I feel when I wear my long-shoreman outfit.

4. Sirhan Sirhan, the man who assassinated R.F.K., was a fucking nut bar. I looked him up because I was curious about what his motives for the shooting were. His mom suggested that he, being Palestinian, felt personally wronged by Bobby's support of Israel during the 1967, 6-day War. There is a link to some excerpts from his diary and I think he was just ill in the head.

5. Someone at work was looking at clothes on the internet and said "Oh, I wish you could touch things on the internet like pull them out and try them on" and I thought for a moment... Then I said "so do I". I mean think of the possibilities! Clothes would be the last thing on my mind. With technology like that you would never need to leave the house! Clothes would become obsolete.

Finally, My Search Comes to an End

2009-02-04T22:38:00.000-08:00

At work I am in charge of ordering most of the lab supplies. Usually this means tubes, tips, enzymes, reagents, etc., you know, the normal biochemical laboratory supplies. Not too long ago I ordered some carbon dioxide pads. These are basically porous pads that you pipe carbon dioxide through so that you can sort flies while they are passed out and keep the ones you want while disposing of the others (basically fly genocide). Not unexpectedly, I was automatically put on their advertising mailing list and today I got this advert in my inbox.

Finally, a small animal decapitator that I can afford in this sour economy! How did you know! Thanks Lab Scientific!

(looks like a modified paper cutter)

Insomnia

2009-01-30T23:27:00.000-08:00

Those of you out there whom have had the pleasure of sharing living spaces with me for extended periods of time probably know what a fragile sleeper I am. I wouldn't say I have full blown insomnia by any means. To say that would be an insult to all of those poor saps who really have it. I do get good nights of sleep fairly regularly. But that doesn't mean I can't bitch and moan about the hand of cards that I got dealt though.

Growing up, I had the pleasure of having the bedroom underneath the stairs. No it was not as bad as Harry Potter's closet, it was actually quite big, but under the stair case nonetheless. Every morning I got to wake up to my father's descent which sounded more like a bag of potatoes being tossed down in fast forward. Good thing I wasn't drinking yet so I never had to wake up to that hung over.

In college, I was always jealous of the people who could sleep almost on command, somehow hypnotizing themselves into a deep slumber in the middle of the day. This meant that not only could I not join them but that I had to be quiet at the same time. I recall spending entire nights awake listening to my roommate's fish tank water cycler tinkle because an inch of water had evaporated out, or the sound of an un-eaten rogue cricket in the terrarium of the gecko he was watching for a friend, or the sound of his dog smacking her lips until the wee hours of the morn. (sorry to use you as an example Al, no hard feelings)

These were common sounds and occurred relatively frequently, yet they only kept me up on occasion. My problem is purely psychological. I can sleep fine in a construction site if I needed, jack hammers jacking and all! What happens to me is that as soon as the thought, "this ____ is going to keep me up" enters my head, I am doomed to spend the night tossing and turning until some ridiculous hour.

Naps, oh man, I have a strange relationship with them. Rarely do I actually fall completely asleep during a nap. It is more of a limbo between consciousness and sleep. My body lays still and my vital signs probably mimic those of one at rest and yet I remain eerily conscious of my surroundings. Cars starting, doors closing, ambiguous chatter from passer-bys all register with me. One thing that amazed me about naps was that when ever my college girl friend would spend the night at my place I would get terrible sleep (no, not because of that), but when she would come over the next day in the middle of the day for a nap we would sleep as soundly as a grandpa in a coma.

I also wake up early in the morning pretty frequently. I usually just end up going back to sleep and, of course, am in the deepest most pleasant sleep when my alarm wakes me up to go to work. According to wikipedia, this means I am clinically depressed.

Discover the Many Uses of Dry Ice...

2009-01-16T19:32:00.000-08:00

You all know what dry ice is, right? Solid carbon dioxide which sublimates at around -78.5 degrees celsius? Makes a mist when put in water?

Today at work, one of my tasks was to replenish our dwindling stock of pure 100% ethanol. We were completely out of it actually. Anyway, as I was walking to the stock room on this beautifully warm day in Pasadena, I passed by a delivery truck that had "Discover the Many Uses of Dry Ice" written on it in huge blue letters next to a giant picture of a boy and girl eating ice cream cones. On the other side of the kids it said "...for freezing and special effects".

"That is only two uses", I thought to myself.

Since I had forgotten the permission slip to buy the ethanol (since ethanol is the alcohol you drink without going blind, unlike its evil twin, methanol) so I had to return to the lab, pass the truck, then return to the stock room and pass the truck again and then once more returning to the lab with the 200 proof booze. Each time I passed the truck I thought more about the advertisement on the side of it. You know, there really are only two uses for dry ice. Keeping things cold/freezing and special effects. Sure, those are general categories but keeping biological reagents cold (as we do in our lab) and keeping your fridge cold during power outages (as they say in their online advert video) are pretty much the same use. As are making halloween punch bubble and fogging up a dance floor in that they both exploit the increased speed of sublimation that occurs when dry ice is dropped in water.

So like, what the fuck man? I know that advertising needs to exaggerate a product's uses, awesomeness and sex appeal, but does dry ice really have that much marketability? I mean, you don't see advertisements for regular ice, do you? Just Smirnoff Ice! Ok, bad joke.

So as I thought about it more (yeah, today was a slow day), I decided I would cut them some slack. There IS another use for dry ice, but it is rather macabre. I recall a friend of mine telling me that in the lab they worked in, they studied mice. When the mice were of no more use to lab, it was necessary to dispose of them in a somewhat humane manner. One way of doing this is to replace their oxygen supply with carbon dioxide, suffocating them. In labs that lack the financial superfluity to purchase carbon dioxide tanks for dispatching the "test subjects", they have to put a "bag of mice" in a box with dry ice. As the the dry ice sublimates, it pushes the oxygen out of the box, cutting off the air supply.

There you go Penguin Dry Ice! Discover the many uses of dry ice :)

A Generational Gap of Lightyears

2009-01-06T20:11:00.000-08:00

Yes, I am aware that a lightyear is a measurement of distance and not time. If you read on, I think you'll find that the title is relevant and witty!

Not too long ago, in a home not too far from here.....

I was flipping through the channels and came across Attack of the Clones and, a short while after that, Revenge of the Sith on Spike TV. I have to admit that the prequels did not impress me much and I only saw them once each in the theater. Thinking that perhaps I did not give them a good enough shot, I decided to watch them again. What bothered me most about them was that the worlds portrayed in these films seemed technologically more advanced than the the worlds portrayed in the original trilogy. Perhaps an unfair reason to pass judgment, but life is not fair kiddo, get used to it. That, and I really don't like Hayden Christensen as Anakin or that they put him in at the end of Return of the Jedi on the DVD instead of leaving in Sebastian Shaw, whom was originally present.

I seemed to have digressed. I am not here to bash the Star Wars prequels. That would be just absurd. Not only has that been done before by many, many people far nerdier than I, it would be at the very least 4 years, if not 10, too late!

As I watched these movies my family gathered around me for various reasons. Just to hang out on the couch, to talk to me and to watch me open gifts (as we were celebrating my birthday), you know, family stuff. My father began to ask what was going on in the movie and I answered. It seemed that the basic plot line of the prequels (Anakin goes to Jedi school and becomes Darth Vader) was not as immediately obvious to him as it is to me and my fellow 20-somethings. Later that evening my mother looked at Hayden and with a perplexed look on her face she asked, "this handsome young man grows up to be Jabba the Hut?". Her question was met with a draw-dropped expression of complete astonishment. With an inquisitive scrunched face, I said, "uhhhh, Jabba the Hut?" She quickly realized her error and said in a panic, "I mean Darth Vader!" So she corrected herself but it caused all who were present to burst out into fits of laughter (my mother included).

My parents do know the general story behind Star Wars, but what surprises me is that if you ask people my age, at least in the social circles that I run in, there is no hesitation, no error, no way in hell that would happen. Who is it really that put Star Wars on the pedestal that it is on now? My parents were alive and probably saw them in the theaters when they were the ground breaking films praised today. And yet, it seems that it is more people in the younger generations that idolize it and make it into more of a cultural movement. When my parents went to the movies to see the films they probably came out and said, "well that was fun" and went on living their life not knowing (or caring for that matter) that some people would be living, eating and breathing it at an exponential rate for decades to come.

Happy 2009

2009-01-03T22:41:00.000-08:00

Ladies and gentlemen, I wish you all a happy new year.

What better way to start off the new year than discuss the past! Yeah, I know it doesn't really make any sense but, let's face it, I have been slacking off and not posting anything for a while. I had meant to do a "year in review" kind of entry with "best of"s and "worst of"s but since I didn't get my act together I never did it. So as part of this entry I can give a summary of that.

Here it is, Infinite Regress "year in review"

Most important event of 2008-Obama becoming the president elect (duh)

Most Disappointing event of 2008-The passing of Prop 8.

Best Animated Film: WALL-E

Strangest Film: Synecdoche, New York

Best Action Movie: Dark Knight

Worst Movie: W

Most Disappointing Old Movie I Finally Saw: Velvet Goldmine (too many people talked it up I guess)

Best Album: Love is All "A Hundred Things Keep Me Up At Night"

Most Anticipated Album: Wolf Parade's "At Mount Zoomer"

Most Disappointing Album: Wolf Parade's "At Mount Zoomer" (I had high expectations)

Best Concert: Love is All at the Echoplex

Worst Concert: Pylon at the Echoplex

Best Unexpected Concert: St. Vincent at the Echoplex

Best New Song: DEVO's "Watch Us Work It" (heard it in 2007 but released on record in 2008)

Worst New Song: Foal's "Cassius"

Best Unexpected Album: Noah and the Whale's "Peaceful, The World Lays Me Down"

New Biggest Crush: Two way tie between Katy Perry and Annie Clark

Saddest Moment: My kitty-cat passing

Happiest Moment: It's a secret...

Note: I am not pitchfork/rotten tomatoes/ryan seacrest. You don't like my picks, I suggest you have a nice day somewhere else!

Anyway, enough of the past...IT IS TIME TO THINK OF THE FUTURE!

The New Year is a time when we can all gather around (except the Chinese who still insist on celebrating new years approximately a month later) and contemplate the Future. What will we do the same? What will we do differently? What crazy stories will we have this time next year (mine is the cocaine addict hitting on me mentioned in another blog?)? In what ways will the world change in the coming year? Will the economy bounce back? Will there be continued strain on the relations with Russia with our new President? Will we finally find Jimmy Hoffa?

New Year's Resolutions you ask?

I am going to try and eat better; drink less; exercise more; read more; learn a new instrument; become a better, faster, stronger human; work on my good citizenship; and most important of all...update my blog more. (oakley!)

Death is a Funny Business

2008-12-07T10:43:00.000-08:00

I recently went a funeral, and there is nothing remotely funny about that. I will leave out names and relations because that really isn't the point of this blog. The family will be in my thoughts this holiday season.

This really has little to do with the blog but it was necessary as a precursor to explain what I was doing in a cemetery. During the actual funeral ceremony I had a million things running through my head. I began to wonder what is was like to work in a funeral home, to be the pianist during the ceremony. There were 4 or 5 funerals that day and your job is to play their departure song? That is heavy! I suppose this, like any job, begins to get painfully repetitive. They go home at the end of the day and the fact that they witnessed 5 groups of people say goodbye, sometimes untimely goodbyes, probably doesn't phase them anymore. It must be same feeling that scientists get when they have to experiment on animals. A few jobs I have applied to required me to do unthinkable things to mice. They asked me if I was okay with that. In reality the thought of it is a shade below horrible, but clearly if I expressed it in that manner, I would not have gotten the job. But I am told that any displeasure in treating the animals in this way is quickly dissolved. You just get used to it and become numb, even joking about it. The point is moot since I was never even offered those jobs.

Then the priest, wow what a tough job. I mean having to talk about death all day and needing to look sincere at all times. Man, that is like when people expect comedians to be funny and happy all the time. In my head I just want to believe that comedians don't cry and that girls don't poop but that is just ridiculous. When I am at work I can turn to a co-worker and say a joke to lighten the mood. Not this guy. When the preacher teared up, was it a show or was it legitimate? I mean wow! I suppose some people are more in tune with emotions than other people, but everyday? Do they make fun of the customers like some people who work in retail?

After the ceremony my friend let loose that Jan Paul Beahm (a.k.a. Darby Crash) was buried in this cemetery. Darby, if you don't know, was the idolized singer of the influential L.A. punk band, The Germs. I used to listen to them in high school so I thought it would be neat to check out his grave. We went up to the office to find a very cheerful atmosphere just like in any office, water cooler jokes and such. They ended up giving us a map to the celebrity graves. Sharon Tate and Bing Crosby just to name a few. We couldn't find Bing's tomb stone but we did find an 'Albert Crosley' and assumed that either that was his real name or that the cemetery screwed up. We never found Sharon Tate's but we did find Darby's since one of us had been there before.

While death is not as funny in real life as it is portrayed in some classic movie scenes, like when Jeff Bridges and John Goodman attempt to get Steve Buscemi's ashes in "The Big Lebowksi", I can honestly say that the business of death is an interesting one.

Thanks Giving Cypress

2008-11-24T19:17:00.000-08:00

The picture above is a photo of the "Lone Cypress" located in Pebble Beach, California. It is a tree that represents Thanks Giving to me. For years and years my family drove from the L.A. area to Monterey (about 6 hours north) to spend our Thanks Giving with my grandmother on my dad's side. The memories I have of the house on Crest Rd. will forever have a special place in my heart. We would take walks in the mini forest behind the house, often spotting deer, or deer poop at the very least. I have fond memories of my brother and I playing pine cone baseball with branches and "off-road golf" with my grandfather's old golf clubs or playing "cops'n'robbers" with my sister and Olivia, the basset hound whom we called 'Livers'. We, as a family, would drive down to "favorite beach", a beach whose real name I don't even know, to go tide-pooling. Sometimes we would visit the Monterey Bay Aquarium and no Thanks Giving was complete without a walk down the Fisherman's Warf. Thanks Giving was not just a day to me, it was the whole weekend. It was sleeping in the wing of the house that was always 5 degrees colder than the rest of the rooms. It was being woken up by my sister and the dog jumping into my bed with the smell of pancakes wafting into my room. It was watching "My Cousin Vinny", my grandma's favorite movie (as far as I knew). It was the drive we took passing "Darth Vader's House" and Clint Eastwood's former home and...The Lone Cypress.

Now, my grandmother lives in an assisted living home outside of Seattle and the Crest Rd. house, while still in my families possession, is being rented out to a used car salesman (last I heard). Thanks Giving has not felt like Thanks Giving since we stopped going to Monterey. From what I remember, the first TG that took place at my parent's Redondo Beach home was when I was a Junior at UCSD. I remember because I was not present. I was in Manchester U.K. visiting my girl friend at the time. I remember not feeling like missing it was a big deal because no one was going anywhere. I was absent one other time as well while I was living in Finland. I ate a bacon cheeseburger from Hesburger that night.

My dad asked me if there was anyone I wanted to bring to TG dinner. I immediately said "no" without thinking twice. Then I remembered that my friend Alex said his mom was moving to Germany so I decided to ask him. Then I remembered that he said she wasn't planning on moving until the new year. I decided to ask him anyway. He politely declined and thanked me for the offer. Besides, as I think more about it, I don't think that is what my dad intended. While I know he would take in any friend of mine, I got the impression he meant a lady friend.

Thanks Giving will be, yet again, just a fancy dinner and a 4 day weekend.

Gay for a Day

2008-11-18T22:27:00.001-08:00

Ladies and gentleman, Satuday, Nov. 15th at 10:30 am pst I attended an event so gay that I.....

Ok stop that dammit, this is serious. Yeah ok, so it is a little serious but it was fun, I went to the 'repeal prop 8' rally in Down Town Los Angeles. (yes this is a serious issue, but keep reading because there will be pictures if I can get it to work).

So where was I? Oh um, so last Saturday morning I went to the rally. I kept on seeing the events all over the news and decided that since I felt pretty strongly about prop 8, I would go to the protest.

I woke up at 8 am (on a SATURDAY, I KNOW!!!) and drove to Pasadena with a few friends so we could take the metro into town. See, we anticipated difficult parking and closed roads, so driving and buses seemed not to be a viable option. Thus, the desolate LA metro would be our best bet. The three of us entered where no man had been before and purchased our tickets at a very reasonable $1.25 and we proceeded to play the waiting game. Since it was November, the temperature outside was a cool pleasant 95 F (35 C for you Euros out there) and it was only going to get hotter.

Here is a view of the desolate and perhaps even haunted L.A. metro system

I don't know if it was the protest down town or what but the metro got pretty full during our trip to Union Station.

Seeing a huge number of people with signs on the train prompted me to imagine that the down town area was going to be a sea of pro-gay rights activists undulating as protest slogans traveled outward like the ripple of a water after a stone is thrown in a lake. Much to my surprise I found the streets of down town relatively empty (as always). There were road blocks and police here and there, hinting that there was 'something' lurking among the sky-scrapers, but that 'something' was yet to be seen, heard or smelled. A small group of us headed toward the iconic L.A. city hall building pausing occasionally to look at one another with curiosity scrawled across our faces.

"Does anyone know where it is?", a stranger inquired.

"I think it is on Spring st.", I replied confidently.

Sure enough as we got closer to Spring St. it became more apparent we were in the right place. We turned the corner and the 1st thing we saw was...

the enemy

This was pretty much it as far as the pro-8 people went. I saw one other guy further down the march, but his sign was pretty tame compared to "Home-Sex is a Threat to National Security", which even for a pro-8 person is a bit of a stretch isn't it? I mean come on! I understand (I use that term loosely) the whole ignorant bigotry thing or using religion as your reason but bringing national security into it? That's a bit much even for an asshole, don't you think? Anyway, people kept on warning us not to acknowledge the presence of these jerks because it could lead to our arrest and/or detainment. Because of the dearth of Jesus Freaks, it certainly was not an issue.

The rally started out with some speeches. They made me laugh, cry, and cringe. The most notable speakers were Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, who was very eloquent and passionate but was cut short because of the brush fires; Ricki Lake, who, well I mean, she's Ricki Lake; and some guy who insinuated that we were to blame by saying "if this many people showed up to the phone banks before the election this wouldn't have happened". The most emotional speech of the day was given by a young woman who was raised by gay parents. Her main point was that since prop 8 supporters claimed that children raised by gay parents were not the same as children raised by heterosexual parents that California's vote, in effect, made her inferior to other people. At the risk of being made fun of, I was deeply moved.

Eventually, people began to grow restless and started screaming "MARCH! MARCH!", obviously desiring to begin the planned march. I was torn. I was tired and hungry, the sun was taking its toll on me and my legs hurt from having to shift my weight every 30 seconds, so I was eager to get the show on the road. But on the other hand I wanted to give everyone who had planned a speech a chance to talk. Thus, I kept my mouth shut out of courtesy.

The march began with a thunderous cheer. Everyone had gotten their second wind in unison and was eager to start down the planned route through down town. That second wind quickly turned to confusion as people seemed to walk aimlessly, only stopping when they were blocked by other protesters. Soon I figured out why. The stage was in an intersection with protesters going down three of the four streets as far as the eye could see. This created a massive traffic jam as people from all 3 streets pushed onto the 4th empty street (the planned route). It was like the 405, the 101 and the 110 were all merging onto the same freeway. Eventually I made it passed the intersection and the pace of the march went from a slow frustrating shuffle to a comfortable stroll.

The signs were clever. My favorites included "Keep Utah out of My State"; "You can have 10 wives, I just want one husband"; and "Chickens 1, Gays -1". Many of the signs targeted the Mormon Church for their audacious support of the prop. There were also some real characters, like the guy in the chicken suit, the guy dressed like Uncle Sam and a whole slew of outrageously dressed men who announced their relationship status as single, gave their phone numbers and offered other bits of relevant info like "...and I cook" into a megaphone.

The march made two lefts and then traveled down the other side of city hall and kind of thinned off from there. We expected it to convene into some sort of jamboree type event but it seemed to just peter off somewhere around China Town, which is where we broke off from the others to find some food.

It was a little too planned to be considered a protest so I will call it more of a 'demonstration'. That seems more accurate.

All in all it was fun, and I was glad I got my ass up early. In some cultures people will die for what they believe, I just had to wake up early on my day off.

And now what we have all been waiting for.... CUTE KIDS FOR GAY RIGHTS!

how cute!

More photos can be seen at my facebook profile for those of you that know me.

One More Way to Get Me to Dance

2008-11-09T12:38:00.000-08:00

Last night I went out to meet my friend Megan in Hermosa Beach. I was not all that interested in drinking or being out late since the night before I had had a crazy night full of booze and homo-erotic wrestling that my friend Jamie compared to the kind of teen roughhousing that often accompanies being gay and not being mature enough to know yet. Anyway, my only goal for last night was to say 'hi' to a friend.

I am not exactly a fan of the Hermosa Beach crowd for it is usually full of bros and douche bags. The amount of clothes that the female clientele wear is often inversely proportional to the doucheyness of the male clientele, at least from the limited studies I have done. And there was a lot of skin for such a cold and windy night. Not only is there a high douche bag factor but since Hermosa is the biggest 'going out' part of town near my former high school, there is a high probability of running into people from high school who seem a lot more interested in me now than they ever did when were in school together.

So I met up with Megan and her party at Hennessey's and we began to play the catch up game. 'How have you been', 'what have you been up to', etc etc. We discussed the election, gossiped about who was dating who, and what was in store for the future. We got a drink and Megan, who had been drinking since about 4 pm (it was now around midnight) tried to get me on the dance floor to dance to two guitarists playing Aerosmith's 'Sweet Emotion' to prerecorded drums. I looked at the other people dancing and decided that I had not had nearly enough to drink (nothing to drink at all in fact) and shied away toward the bar. There was one more attempt to get me to dance on the way back to our table, which I politely declined.

We sat outside and conversed more. Then a girl sitting at another table asked Megan for a light. Perfectly reasonable bar behavior, no? Then she joined us and if I remember correctly the conversation was steered, by her, to the election and inevitably to the passing of proposition 8 which resulted in the banning of gay marriage. The consensus around the table was that we were ______ (insert negative emotion) about it to varying degrees. Perhaps the girl had a lot of confidence or she was drunk...or, and this is what I believe, she was coked out of her mind. She referenced the use of cocaine several times in her erratic harangues and was clearly unable to sit still. She began to address a crowd of imaginary prop. 8 supporters in the vast empty space behind me, referencing the Bible and civil rights and the constitution, pausing every now and again to assure us that she was not a lesbian and in fact said "don't get me wrong, I am not a lesbian, I love cock, you know, I love to ride cock" while making pelvic 'cock riding' motions.

Suddenly the band inside started to play 'Sweet home Alabama' which precipitated Megan to look at me and go "let's go dance to this". Still only having one beer in me I was not in the mood to dance so again, I politely declined. She said fine and went inside. Then the other member of our group departed leaving me and 'Aubs' alone. She immediately grabbed the seat next to mine and continued to spout verbal attacks at the imaginary crowd and then looked at me for what I assumed could only be my approval. I was never even able to say "I agree" without being cut off again for another slew of rapid fire statements, attacks, and expletives.

With each sentence she slid further and further to the edge of her seat, which was facing me, all the while her hand was grabbing my thigh in a way that struck me as just being a side affect of the cocaine and passionate word slinging. You know, when ever the word 'fuck' was used in a negative way towards the crowd, she squeezed my leg just to drive the point home. Just to beat the point in so that I knew she was serious. Then all of a sudden she was on her knees in front of my chair with my hands in her hands, alarm bells started going off in my head, she kissed my hands then grabbed my head and then we heard...

"Hey babe, come and dance with me". Megan was standing there with a big smile on her face. I was more than happy to oblige. After all, I owed her one.

Survey

2008-11-08T19:10:00.000-08:00

I spent a lot of time on this myspace survey because I don't have anything else to do. Since I spent so much time I decided to post it as a blog for your reading pleasure.

It was called 'Adult Survey'

Body: Tired of all of those surveys made up by high school kids?

What bill do you hate paying the most?
Electricity Bill, it only comes once every 2 months so it is always really expensive

Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
It has been a long time since I have had one of those, at least one that it was clear that it was mutual.

What do you really want to be doing right now?
Umm, this survey, I meant to do it earlier because the premise sounded interesting. But I guess I would rather be traveling or at a perpetual bbq in the summer time.

How many colleges did you attend?
1 unless you count one class at a community college

Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?
haven't worn it recently and I can't wear it to work anymore because of the holes

What are your thoughts on gas prices?
they seem to be going down

First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
snooze button

Last thought before going to sleep last night?
that my friends were going to attack me in a retaliatory move, but would be surprised that I was not in my bed.

Do you miss being a child?
yes, life was much simpler back then. There was sort of this naive innocence where I thought everything was going to be okay.

What errand/chore do you despise?
I despise most errands and chores, they always seem to need doing when I am not in the mood to do them

Get up early or sleep in?
I've been noticing a trend towards early rising these days, well early for me. I get a great sense of satisfaction when I get a lot done before noon.

Have you found real love yet?
I would like to think so but if I did, I lost it, and if I didn't, I wasted a lot of time being bitter about it.

Favorite lunch meat?
does bacon count?

What do you get every time you go into Wal-Mart?
I feel like this is a joke and I get to make up a punch-line. I got nothing. I don't think I ever been in a Wal-Mart

Beach or lake?
lake, and it has to be in Finland and near a sauna

Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
no but it should be treated the same way the constitution should be treated, as a living document that can evolve to adapt to current society.

Do you own property?
I have lots of stuff, but it could easily be the other way around. And yes I am aware the question was referring to land of which I own none, except for the rock from 'red rock' that is on my book shelf.

Favorite movie you wouldn't want anyone to find out about?
Sebrina starring Audrey Hepburn. I'm really not that embarrassed about that but it was the closest I could get to answering the question. I also really like romantic comedies but there isn't one that I would call my favorite. I just like seeing love conquer all odds with a dramatic scene where someone is running through an airport to get to someone but is just in time to see the plane pull away from the gate. They burst into tears and then turn around and it turned out that the other person never even got on the plane and is touched that they bought a ticket just to pass security, because in this day and age you cannot get to the gate with out a boarding card like you could back in the day. Then I shed a solitary tear.

Cowboys or Indians?
I believe the preferred nomenclature is 'native american'

Cops or Robbers?
If I am a car and I see a cop I always feel like I am doing something wrong. It is hard to notice robbers unless it's the ham-burglar.

Sopranos or Desperate Housewives?
I don't really watch tv

Have you ever crashed your vehicle?
nope, knock on wood.

Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
I was trained when I was boyscout, but there was adult supervision and only a small well controlled flame.

Last book you read?
'Into The Wild' was the last book I finished, there are some works in perpetual progress

Do you have a teddy bear?
in a box somewhere at my parents house probably.

Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
that is a noodle scratcher. I guess outside.

Somewhere in California you've never been and would like to go?
Yosemite

Do you go to church?
Used to.

How old are you?
if you are that interested you can ask me personally

Kids Say the Darndest Things

2008-11-05T22:00:00.000-08:00

Isn't it great when little kids let fly with all sorts of juicy information? So apparently, a few weekends ago at a work retreat (that I was invited to conveniently after it was too late to sign up for, but that is okay I wouldn't have gone anyway) a few secrets about my boss were spilled, by her child. After being poked and prodded for information by my colleagues he finally got the okay from mom to have fun. In doing so he dropped two big bombs. One is funny because it is sooooo true and the other seems like it would have been a private matter until the involved parties were ready to announce. Try and guess which is which?

"mommy thinks she is pregnant"

and

"mommy thinks she knows everything"

I wish I could have seen their faces. I wish Bill Cosby was there too so he could make some quick witted quip with big eyes and pursed lips to roar of live audience laughter digitally enhanced with stock laugh tracks.

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

2008-11-05T19:51:00.000-08:00

Right now I am sitting in my backyard BBQing some of the best Italian sausage I have had the pleasure of eating (thanks to wireless internet). It is November 5th, the day after election day and I have had much time to ponder the results.

1st we can talk about the great victory of electing Obama as the next U.S. President. January has never seemed this appealing: No Bush, an Obama instead, and my birthday. It is times like these that I am proud to be an American, as cheesey as that sounds. Yes, we did it. Many of us were worried but we prevailed, but as Obama said in his disappointing election day speech, this is not the change we are looking for and that we will have problems down the road. A friend of mine from Finland wrote "Hyvä amerikkalaiset!" on her status update and I am not sure how to take that. Is it general praise "oh american you did fantastic" or like a proud farmer saying "that'll do pig" or a family condescendingly saying "good dog" when the dog learns to goes outside to pee.

The 2nd biggest election day news was the sad passing of Prop. 8 in California which bans gay marriage leaving their only option to be, still, a not quite so equal civil union. I cannot believe the selfish pricks who voted yes on that. The sanctity of marriage was at risk even though we already have a high divorce rate, silly celebrity marriages and the FOX network making money off TV marriages. But it is going to court so we will see....

While Prop 8 was a big disappointment some of the other props went well. The Bullet train to Frisco passed, more room for animals on farms passed, the improvement of L.A.'s public transport passed and parental notice for abortions failed. These are all victories in my book. But don't you think it is funny that we voted to give more rights to animals, and yet we took rights away from humans? I am sure god intended for that.

So when all is tallied and counted for the overall result was a success even with the screw up with prop 8.

One Brick at a Time or the Big Picture?

2008-11-03T19:15:00.000-08:00

Many of you out there in blog-land have been asking me when Infinite Regress post #2 is coming. Well I do have an excuse for not updating recently. I have been so busy and haven't had the time! How does this affect you? Unfortunately, you have had to live with out my impressive word-scapes and thought provoking contemplations.

But! there is a plus side. Since I have been busy, I have experienced many things that are, like totally, blog worthy. However this engenders some problems, stylistically that is. Do I attack this in one big cluster-fuck of a blog that would be so epic that it would rival some Ph. D theses? Or do I express them in shorter bite sized tidbits leaving the reader salivating for more in a frenzy of mouse clicks and eye straining?

At this point I feel like shorter more directed vignettes would be more appropriate so the points of each section aren't muddied in what seems like a completely incoherent ramble.

Where shall we start?

Since it is the eve of the most important election in my voting career, and probably my life (though admittedly I was not as political savvy as a toddler) talking about anything else would just be silly!

It has been quite an election season, eh? Effigies, flippant remarks regarding science, the costumes, the drama, the winking, we laughed, we cried, great family fun, this summers biggest blockbuster, a whole lot of name calling and finally we all made it safely to election day (except joe the plumber's privacy and that poor girl who had a 'B' carved in her cheek). I for one am so glad tomorrow is finally upon us. It has been in my and everyone's face for too long now. Perhaps It is just me taking for granted that there are still undecided people in this country. Since my vote was cast (figuratively) long before much of the recent hubbub, I am eager to get it all over with for better or for worse. Tuesday night will be a night that I will get drunk celebrating or get drunk mourning. Being a resident of California it seems that our decision has already been made (for the better) and thus the propositions are a much more important reason to get out and vote. The most controversial, of course, being Prop 8, the equal rights or the family killing proposition (depending on what side you are on). Needless to say, one of the two interpretations is an outrageous farce that is not based at all in reality or pragmatism, but who am I to tell other people how to vote on that matter (a rational human being maybe?).

Anyway, I am getting carried away with myself. Tomorrow we, as a country, will enter the big collective voting booth. The brains will vote how the brains vote, carefully measured and well thought out. The hearts will vote how the hearts vote, with passion and conviction though sometimes misguided. And the asses and dicks will vote how asses and dicks vote, selfishly and in a way that stinks up the entire world.

Will the U.S. prove itself tomorrow or will we continue to regress, infinitely...

Ok Oakley, you win.

2008-10-28T21:25:00.000-07:00

Just what we need, another asshole who thinks he knows all about shit he doesn't know about and knows stuff that would only alienate his friends and family and thus cannot publish it in such a public forum. Yup, Infinite Regress: 1st a logically poor argument which spirals on and on without resolve, then an awe inspiring musical extravaganza that you know your mom would listen to if given the chance(www.myspace.com/infiniteregress), and now a blog. (coming soon: Infinite Regress child safety seats)

I was driven to create this page of truth, nonsense, mystery wrapped in bacon and ambiguous tension because a dear friend of mine was sick of logging into myspace account to view my poignant musings on life, the universe, and everything (as if it's not worth it). Yes, Oakley you got your way (and a shout out!). Now everyone can enjoy my pointless ramblings full of grammatical errors and subtle advertisements.

Now I will leave you at peace while I enjoy a cool refreshing COKE ZERO. tsst, ahhh