What is The Definition of "Free"?

"Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose" are the lyrics to Janis Joplin's amazing song Me Bobby Mc Gee. I will not attempt to define "freedom" in the grander American sense, Miss Joplin did a fine job at that if you ask me. No, this much more about the word "free" in the context of "I would like to hang out. When are you free?"

In a few short days I will be moving about 5,605 miles away from my current residence. The other night a friend of mine sent me a text asking if she would see me before I left. I said that I am sure we could get together for at least a brief meeting. She asked me when I was free and I responded by saying "I think a better question is when are you free?" After a few more texts were ping-ponged between us she replied by saying, "It feels retarded that you're asking me when I'm free since you are the one going. Tell me when is good for you and I'll figure it out."

I really appreciated this. I really, really did. But honestly, while I do not have specific appointments taking up every hour of the next few days, the idea of "free time" seems so foreign to me. Like anytime that I am not hanging out with friends or family I ought to be at home preparing for my departure, lord knows I have a lot to do. It is much easier for me to just to pick a time and pen it in rather than thinking about what time is best.

Anyway, I decided not to bring that up (it would have just been labored and unnecessary over text message) and the texts perorated in coffee plans.

Mayo...For Cool People

It is really amazing what they try and sell with "cool" appeal these days. I get beer ads trying to show how cool their suds are, but then again drinking makes you cool anyway so the point is moot. Fashion, technology, cars, cigarettes these all have viable reasons for wanting to seem cool. The customers need to feel that the products are in, stylish and sexy. Well now we can add another product to the "cool" approved list.



"We are miracle whip and we will not tone it down!"? Everyone knows the party doesn't start until the miracle whip gets there. If I go to a bbq and they have anything other than Miracle Whip, I am leaving. It's the Crystal of mayonnaises.

It's MAYONNAISE* for Christ's sake.

So next time you see me I will be spooning spoonful after spoonful of miracle whip into my mouth while talking on an iPhone and driving my Nissan Cube like a fuckin' rock star.

*I suppose that technically "Miracle Whip" is not mayonnaise but, for all intents and purposes, it is.

I Support Euthanasia

I am a huge fan of the Simpsons. It is almost a secret language between me and other devoted fans. It has had as much impact on my sense of humor as anything else, probably more.

But I just saw a new(ish?) episode tonight and it just needs to be put to death. Sure there were a few laughable moments but it comes nowhere close to the show in the heyday. It's like watching a loved one go old and senile. Their mental acuity and performance is going steadily down hill and they don't seem to realize it. It's like watching any Eddie Izzard show after Dress to Kill. You chuckle here and there (if that) but you just end up quoting the same lines you always had before.

I try so hard to like the new episodes. I continue to give them chance after chance but I don't know if I can let it go any longer, the note worthy episodes are fewer and farther between. I even gave them credit longer than most of my other serious fan friends.

I know that axing the show would cut a significant amount of income from Harry Shearer, Dan Castellaneta, Hank Azaria, Yeardly Smith, Julie Kavner and fellow Finn Bonita Pietila but enough is enough. You got the longest show in history but I would rather see it die with dignity (too late?) than to fade away in mediocrity.

So please, "stop, stop [it's] already dead".

Have You Had Corn Recently?

For years and years I have marveled at what my dad knows how to do. I think it is this generational gap that will probably never be bridged. The culprit to blame is probably the ever increasing influence of electric, and then digital, media that occurred after he grew up and before/while I grew up. I sat around watching quality programming on TV and playing video games while he took apart and rebuilt things. He planned and built the house I grew up in, including plumbing and electricity! He knows about cars too. I went on one house hunting trip with him a few months ago and he even blew the real estate lady out of the water when he asked about the old filled in and bricked over pool (no one was supposed to know about it, but he could tell it was there).

I just picked him up from the airport last night. He flew to John Wayne airport instead of LAX because all the flights to LAX were crazy full. We got home and he took the obligatory "I am home" shit. After the flush, he came out with a worried look exclaiming about a plumbing problem. What a wonderful gift! Home from a transatlantic journey and you get to fix a plumbing problem!

Fast forward about 15 minutes. My dad's arm is up to the bicep in shit water in our house's main sewage line. He is slowly snaking a hose through the pipes to blast out any clogs in it's way. I am standing behind him giving my assistance in anyway I can (turn off/on hose etc). He stops for a moment turns around and says....

"Have you had corn recently?"

I had.