I Know Why the Caged Condoms Sing

Many friday nights recently have been spent in the company of good friends and moderately priced beer.  Yesterday was no exception.  Upon hearing that a few guests were going to be gracing our abode, I took it upon myself to make sure we had some ice cold brews ready and waiting.  Since our house, which is sans heater, was colder than a witch's teet, we thought it prudent to pick up some fire wood as well.  Feeling more on the generous side, I decided I would be on the pricier beer patrol while leaving the fire wood to my house-mate, a fitting duty for someone who has a mild case of pyromania like he does.  We picked out the beer: a 12 pack of Harp lager to start out the night followed by a twelver of PBR to keep the party going once it was no longer necessary to be pretentious about what we were drinking.  Brian went over to get some fire wood and I jumped into the empty express aisle to purchase the suds.  In the short time it took me to pay, a healthy line had gathered behind me.  I finished my transaction and waited for Brian near the Bank of America stall.  He was now 2 or 3 customers deep in the line and I sat there baffled that there were so many people waiting when about 5 other aisles were, with the exception of the cashiers, completely devoid of human life.  I brought this to Brian's attention and he looked at them eagerly but decided that since the line had already expanded 2 or 3 people behind him that he was going to hold his ground.

So I sat there with my two twelvers and looked behind me to see a huge caged shelf full of nothing but condoms.  Durex, Trojan, Life Styles, Magnum, you name it they were there.  I began thinking to myself that this was ridiculous.  These cannot be the only condoms they sell.  There must be a shelf in the store somewhere and these caged ones are overstock or something like that.  I mean the lock and chain on this thing was what you would think the President would use to lock up his bike, they weren't fucking around.  Using Ockham's Razor, the simplest explanation for this that I could come up with was that it must be due to conservative or religious mandate.  You know, the ignorant and retarded mentality that condoms cause sex in the same way that umbrellas cause rain.  Some sort of age limit or restriction or something like that.

My mind started to move a mile a minute and in extremely rare fashion I started working up the courage to say something to someone wearing one of those silly little Ralph's embroidered polo shirts.  I looked back and forth between the caged condoms and the check-out stands trying to find my prey, growing ever more indignant with each passing moment that I was unable to vent my dissatisfaction of the situation.  Finally, an employee, probably returning from a break, strolls by me and I stop him and in a stern but polite tone I say:

"Excuse me, but are these the only condoms you sell in this store?"

He replies with a simple "yes" and I tell him that that is "absolutely ridiculous" and then ask him, "why on earth are they locked up like this" and without even batting an eye he says, in the most casual way, "Oh, because kids just open up the packs, take out a couple condoms, stick them in their pockets and leave"...

"Oh", I replied knowing that I had been put in my place.  "I guess that makes sense."  I was kind of in shock from being disarmed so quickly.

He then asked if I needed any condoms, I giggled and politely declined his offer and let him go on his way to whatever task had been given to him by his superiors.

If there is anything to take away from this story it's this:

At least the kids are trying to use condoms, right?