What is The Definition of "Free"?

"Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose" are the lyrics to Janis Joplin's amazing song Me Bobby Mc Gee. I will not attempt to define "freedom" in the grander American sense, Miss Joplin did a fine job at that if you ask me. No, this much more about the word "free" in the context of "I would like to hang out. When are you free?"

In a few short days I will be moving about 5,605 miles away from my current residence. The other night a friend of mine sent me a text asking if she would see me before I left. I said that I am sure we could get together for at least a brief meeting. She asked me when I was free and I responded by saying "I think a better question is when are you free?" After a few more texts were ping-ponged between us she replied by saying, "It feels retarded that you're asking me when I'm free since you are the one going. Tell me when is good for you and I'll figure it out."

I really appreciated this. I really, really did. But honestly, while I do not have specific appointments taking up every hour of the next few days, the idea of "free time" seems so foreign to me. Like anytime that I am not hanging out with friends or family I ought to be at home preparing for my departure, lord knows I have a lot to do. It is much easier for me to just to pick a time and pen it in rather than thinking about what time is best.

Anyway, I decided not to bring that up (it would have just been labored and unnecessary over text message) and the texts perorated in coffee plans.

Mayo...For Cool People

It is really amazing what they try and sell with "cool" appeal these days. I get beer ads trying to show how cool their suds are, but then again drinking makes you cool anyway so the point is moot. Fashion, technology, cars, cigarettes these all have viable reasons for wanting to seem cool. The customers need to feel that the products are in, stylish and sexy. Well now we can add another product to the "cool" approved list.



"We are miracle whip and we will not tone it down!"? Everyone knows the party doesn't start until the miracle whip gets there. If I go to a bbq and they have anything other than Miracle Whip, I am leaving. It's the Crystal of mayonnaises.

It's MAYONNAISE* for Christ's sake.

So next time you see me I will be spooning spoonful after spoonful of miracle whip into my mouth while talking on an iPhone and driving my Nissan Cube like a fuckin' rock star.

*I suppose that technically "Miracle Whip" is not mayonnaise but, for all intents and purposes, it is.

I Support Euthanasia

I am a huge fan of the Simpsons. It is almost a secret language between me and other devoted fans. It has had as much impact on my sense of humor as anything else, probably more.

But I just saw a new(ish?) episode tonight and it just needs to be put to death. Sure there were a few laughable moments but it comes nowhere close to the show in the heyday. It's like watching a loved one go old and senile. Their mental acuity and performance is going steadily down hill and they don't seem to realize it. It's like watching any Eddie Izzard show after Dress to Kill. You chuckle here and there (if that) but you just end up quoting the same lines you always had before.

I try so hard to like the new episodes. I continue to give them chance after chance but I don't know if I can let it go any longer, the note worthy episodes are fewer and farther between. I even gave them credit longer than most of my other serious fan friends.

I know that axing the show would cut a significant amount of income from Harry Shearer, Dan Castellaneta, Hank Azaria, Yeardly Smith, Julie Kavner and fellow Finn Bonita Pietila but enough is enough. You got the longest show in history but I would rather see it die with dignity (too late?) than to fade away in mediocrity.

So please, "stop, stop [it's] already dead".

Have You Had Corn Recently?

For years and years I have marveled at what my dad knows how to do. I think it is this generational gap that will probably never be bridged. The culprit to blame is probably the ever increasing influence of electric, and then digital, media that occurred after he grew up and before/while I grew up. I sat around watching quality programming on TV and playing video games while he took apart and rebuilt things. He planned and built the house I grew up in, including plumbing and electricity! He knows about cars too. I went on one house hunting trip with him a few months ago and he even blew the real estate lady out of the water when he asked about the old filled in and bricked over pool (no one was supposed to know about it, but he could tell it was there).

I just picked him up from the airport last night. He flew to John Wayne airport instead of LAX because all the flights to LAX were crazy full. We got home and he took the obligatory "I am home" shit. After the flush, he came out with a worried look exclaiming about a plumbing problem. What a wonderful gift! Home from a transatlantic journey and you get to fix a plumbing problem!

Fast forward about 15 minutes. My dad's arm is up to the bicep in shit water in our house's main sewage line. He is slowly snaking a hose through the pipes to blast out any clogs in it's way. I am standing behind him giving my assistance in anyway I can (turn off/on hose etc). He stops for a moment turns around and says....

"Have you had corn recently?"

I had.

The Suckers Down at Wherehouse

A Few of you have been aware of the recent trouble I have had trying to sell off many of my old CDs. Amoeba only took a handful saying that they were "dog titles" and Record surplus offered me a dollar for every 5 (coming out to around $10 for the stack). They wouldn't even let me pick and choose which ones I wanted to keep. It was an all or nothing kind of deal. While most of them were of zero value to me, there were a few selections that I would not part with for 20 cents. Some of the CDs I didn't want to part with were albums that reminded me of younger days. I rarely listen to them anymore but they are the CDs I might want to hear at some point. They aren't even worth taking up precious hard drive space!

That is when I remembered Wherehouse Music on the corner of Artesia and Hawthorne. They are not as pretentious as Amoeba is so I thought I would take a chance....

They took a whopping 34 cds, some beat to shit and a few with writing on them (from the ol' radio station)! I turned the $10 from record surplus in to $60! Almost pays for the terabyte external hard drive I just bought!

This where the gold is too. A long time ago at Off the Record in San Diego (back in their Hillcrest days) I rummaged through the free bin and found a comic relief CD from 1994 with comedians like Bob Sagat and Drew Carrey. They bought it for a dollar. That is all profit baby!

My Trip to the Urgent Care Center

Friday, July 24th approx. 7 pm

I was watering my mom's garden because she is out of town. LA county law stipulates that it is illegal to water during normal day light hours due to the drought. While walking through an area of dirt and weeds, I felt a sharp pain in my foot. I quickly raised my foot and a piece of wood came with it. I removed the wood and inspected the wound. It didn't look too bad. Then the blood started to flow. Crap. Ok, calm down...when was the last time I got a tetanus shot because I know that you are supposed to get them once every ten years. I remembered that I had a vaccination chart so I went and inspected. Get this...my last tetanus shot was on July 23rd 1999. Ten years to the day...

The phone rings and it's my friend Megan calling to say she will pick me up for the show in a few minutes. I tell her what happened and she says that I need to take care of it now and suggests I call an urgent care center. I look one or two up. And they all close at 7 pm. So it is Friday night, my tetanus shot literally just expired, and I have a possible infection incubating on the bottom of my foot.

Wait, there is the Emergency Room! I call them and they say they can help!

"Hello, I just stepped on a rusty nail, do you give tetanus shots?"

"Yes we do"

"Great! How much will that be?"

"I can't tell you"

"Why not?"

"You have to see a doctor, and it depends on how long he is with you and what he orders"

"Yeah, but you can ball park it right?"

"No"

"I stepped on a nail and it's been more than 10 yrs since my last booster, this is a pretty common ailment, not exactly rocket science"

"Sorry"

"Well is this something that can wait until the morning, or does it need to be dealt with immediately?"

"I can't tell you"

"Why not?"

"I am a nurse"

"Uhh, can you put me on with somebody who can?"

"No"

"Why not?"

"We don't give advice over the phone"

"Are you serious!?"

"Yes"

"Ok, thanks"

"You're Welcome"

How much could it be right? So I was about to walk out the door when my brother (I had previously informed him of my condition) tells me that he was looking up prices and that it can easily cost up to $700 for a tetanus shot in the ER.

Crap. I don't have insurance right now either. I decide to sleep on it and go to one of the weekend urgent care centers as soon as it opens. In the mean time I hear from my parents (currently in Europe) and they say to wait until monday and go to my former health care provider when I had insurance. I was not comfortable waiting until monday because after some internet scouring I found something from the mayo clinic that said to get the shot within 48 hours of the incident. I start price shopping the next morning and they are still expensive regardless (approx $200) due to some "new patient fees" and a $93 (minimum) "doctors visit" and $20 "office charge". I look at my former insurance providers website and find that they have an urgent care center in Long Beach. At least I could skirt the "new patient fee" if I go there. I go, check in, sit, wait, get called, meet the doctor, explain, meet the nurse, get poked with a needle, sit, wait, pay and then leave. Out the door, $110 (which seems like a screaming deal now).

Now I have a dead arm and small limp. But I am boosted and lock-jaw free!

Did I Do Something Productive Today?

Well I don't know if this was productive. But here is a new song I recorded today...

It's called "Happiness" and I think it came out pretty good despite the singing. But even then.....

Listen to it at the link to the Infinite Regress Myspace Page.

Hope you like it...